My Things

I have a new thing.  In the daily hustle and bustle, my things keep me interested and entertained.  Life would be pretty boring without them.

My friends and family give me a familiar amused smile whenever they hear me proclaim, I have a new thing. Last time, my thing was to see how long it would take to see a license plate from every state around my town.  I started with a bang last April 17 (another benefit of living at the junction of two major interstates) but now I only have one left.  New Hampshire. I figured Hawaii or Alaska would be the toughest.  Negative.  Turns out not too many Rhode Islander or Hampshirer (Hampshiranese? Hampshi? Hampshiranian? Hampsholish?  *Snort* Ha!) vehicles run through this Midwest metropolis. At least not when I’m on the road.

Today, I stumbled upon my new thing. I’m not actually sure how this idea came to be, but it probably had something to do with the same three stations always simultaneously on commercial break.  So a new thing was born: listen to a new radio station every day. Every stop on the AM and FM dials. How neat to experience new music and radio shows?  I love doing it out of town (Sunday morning Polka in Wisconsin anyone?) so why not in my wonderful hometown?

Today, I set my radio to the lowest frequency permitted and pressed the magic ‘search’ button.  It landed on a pledge drive.  Ugh.  I stuck it out and discovered the loveliness that is jazz.  I spent the morning commute wishing I was enjoying the warming blanket of a glass of wine while listening to the crickets and frogs at dusk in the perfect heat of a summer’s night. Mmmmmm…jazz.  I didn’t really get it, but I sure did enjoy it.

Regardless of what I stumble into, I decided I won’t change the radio station for 24 hours.  No matter what.  Unless it’s religious music. I just can’t do it.  Instead I’ll play sports and political talk roulette.  The only thing I can think of that would be more painful than play-by-play baseball is being trapped in a car with Rush Limbaugh.  But I’m no quitter. I will gut out a booball game or that knuckle dragger like a champ.  Besides, that’s what the volume button is for.

The Fear Lies in the Unknown

I love the train. When I worked downtown, I loved the 20 minute warm up and cool down to my day.  It was 40 minutes dedicated to reading or daydreaming.  Turns out, I liked the train far more than I liked that job.

The bus is a different story.  I’ve been scared of the bus for as long as I can remember.  All of the routes, all of the stops, all of the times, all of the buses – I started sweating just thinking about it. But I was determined to get home on it this weekend.

There were bus stops at three of the four corners of the intersection to which Google maps directed me. Ahh! Which one?!?!  The first two looks like weekday-only stops with routes 133-179. I needed 5. The 5B to be precise. And it’s icy. This Sherpa couldn’t possibly sprint between them whilst carrying my weekend on my back.  Crap.  The third one had a listing for the 5B. Whew. Maybe this isn’t rocket science after all.

It doesn’t give change, barked the bus driver.  I looked for the quarter owed to me.  It doesn’t give change, she spat again.  Frazzled, I wedged myself on the very first seat, my butt fighting my bag for space. The bag was winning and even the quadriceps keeping me off of the floor didn’t care.  To my left, the unshaven older man from the stop who I was certain was going to start screaming at me about the people stealing his stuff. I’ve heard plenty of urban tales about the ‘crazies’ who ride the bus. However, a screamer was the least of photomy worries – mental illness I get. The bus I do not. Across from me were four ladies in Hijabs and snow boots. Each downtown stop picked up riders who all looked very different from me. I didn’t care, but I stood out and was suddenly very aware of it.

Even as the gruff lady bus driver grumbled each stop, 22nd – and it’s a toss up if she was talking to me, 26th, or my fellow new-American passengers as she said this bus doesn’t go to the mall. 28th – I still worried I’d boarded the wrong bus, 30th, I’d get shanked, 32nd, one of the guys on the bus was going to follow me off and snatch my purse, 34th, where are my keys, 38th, that girl’s hair is really cute, 40th, I need to remember to note what not to pack on my next me-time adventure, 42nd, TB and I should take the bus more often, 43rd…dang it! A rider pulled the the stop cord before I could.

It was stupid to be afraid of the bus.  But I’m sure proud of myself for figuring that out.

Me Time

I used to simply chock it up to I’m just bad at vacationing. I love being warm and outside, but have never been any good at sitting still, so planting my behind on a beach is exactly the opposite of relaxing.  It’s torturous.

Slowly though, I’m figuring it out.  First, the site visit to Hawaii.  In my former line of work as an event planner, it was my job to advance the event.  Whether it was marking a route at midnight and unlocking biffies at 4:00 a.m. for a fundraising walk or sampling spas and swimming with the dolphins in Hawaii for an incentive trip – it was my job to do and know everything ahead of an event.  While on said site visit, we (my then best-manager-ever, Red) would work half of the day and then meet up with TB and her husband – who had been either golfing or sampling every cocktail on the pool menu – to see the island by helicopter, swim with the dolphins, lounge by the pool, or eat at the expensive restaurants. Fifty-percent work, 50% play.  Perfect, except working vacations  like that pale quickly in the light of 40 straight 80-hour weeks.  No good.

In fact our honeymoon was negotiated to fit a working vacation model – 50% beach, 50% activity.  Half the time comprised of sloth, half the time hiking or snorkeling or playing a game – dear god anything but holding down a beach chair.

Fast forward to this week.  I think I’ve discovered the perfect vacation for me.  Two weeks ago, my boss RC told me to take some time off. Not in the friendly suggestion kind of way, but rather in the I-think-you’re-about-to-have-a-breakdown-so-get-the-hell-out-of-here kind of a way.  RC has been great and very empathetic to the situations with my mom and S, but recognized better than I that a human being can only go so long without taking care of herself.

Since TB is unable to travel at present for several reasons and I have an irrational fear of rape and murder associated with solo travel, I planned a 48-hour getaway…precisely six miles from my house. I took a staycation.  I detest that phrase as much as coining a couple ‘Bennifer’ but it’s apropos in this case.  I booked a room downtown and made a slew of spa appointments. I planned to read and write and do whatever moved me in that moment.

I checked in last night after dinner with my sweetheart.  Last night seemed wasted, reading anything and everything alone in my room.  The spendthrift in me wondered why I was spending all of this money. But by this morning, after my house made granola parfait and four hours at the spa, I was singing a different tune.  In fact, after four hours of massages and facials, I was rethinking my stance on trophy wives.

A delightfully skinny pregnant woman called Brooke did something no other masseuse has yet to accomplish.  (Well, aside from the hot stone masseuse in Hawaii, but let’s be honest, it’s Hawaii, half of her job was already done.)  Brooke coaxed the thought tornado down to a tradewind.  I actually stopped. I don’t know the last time I truly stopped my body, much less my mind. She lulled me into relaxation.  If stress were the devil, she would be an exorcist.  She’s a stressorcist.

I then meandered photo(1)to my old stomping grounds and ate my favorite salad in the daylight of an atrium. I wrote for hours amidst the hustle and bustle of skyway traffic. From there I met one of my besties Rasher for dinner.  I see her religiously every week. In fact, Rasher and our other friend M might as well be my church. Anyway, due to circumstances, I hadn’t seen or really talked to her in a month.  We talked for three hours straight but in reality could have sat there for eight and not felt caught up.  Now, I’m in the hotel lobby (the alone-in-my-room thing didn’t work) drinking my fav wine, writing, and listening to killer music (O.A.R. – listen to the old stuff. The new stuff is a stripped-down commercialized version of genius.)

Tomorrow, I’ll workout, write more in the lobby, go to breakfast if I feel like it, and then learn to take the bus home.

And that’s how I rock the vacation of a stressed-out control freak.

Whaaat?!

“Whaaat?!” was my mom’s reaction to the ER doctor, as if he just told her she was pregnant at 62. On the other hand I don’t know why it was my first reaction to laugh when the freckled doctor, EKG in hand, told her she was having a heart attack. Perhaps it was shock. Or maybe disbelief. I was so certain we were coming in for mental illness under the guise of physical ailments that I never considered that she might actually be physically sick. I had even called ahead to warn the ER of my mom’s mental illness.

I most likely laughed because I found myself unbelievably thankful that Catholic guilt steamrolls any logic in its path.

It’s common knowledge that a call from my mom after 10:00 p.m. is never a sign of mental stability. When I picked up at 11:30 p.m., I immediately regretted it. However, guilt for failing to return her call from the day prior overrode my sensibility.  Sure enough, she told me she was hyperventilating (she clearly was not) and that ‘they’ had broken in and stolen her medication information.  She wanted to go the ER because she thought her blood thinner was causing her shortness of breath and she wanted to learn about her medication. Hardly a reason to go to the emergency room. Hardly a reason for me to redress and drive out into the suburbs in the wee hours of a Saturday morning. But nothing I said convinced her otherwise, so very begrudgingly and fueled only by guilt I drove the 30 minutes to her house, swearing at mental illness every mile.

The surefire way to be seen by a doctor in the emergency room right away is to mention any symptom of a heart attack Or tell triage you’re getting married the next day. Either one seems to expedite the process.

As assumed, they took ‘I’m having shortness of breath’ pretty seriously down there B-Town. I grew up in this particular nondescript suburb and if more years than I care to admit hadn’t already passed, I would be able to name every non-Caucasian kid in my class of 700. Its not nearly as understanding of difference as the metropolis from which it feeds. It is fair to say that my experience with the mental health system over the past 25 years has jaded my expectations of the humanity shown to any person mankind has deemed crazy.  I was especially nervous for the level of compassion for someone with mental illness at a hospital without a psychiatric unit. Funny thing when your expectations are in the toilet you tend to be blow away by even the most basic of courtesies.  I was overwhelmed by the kindness shown to my mom by everyone. She wasn’t treated like a pariah or a child. They were kind and sincere. Not at all what I expected after I had already quietly outed her mental illness diagnosis to the attending nurse.

In the end it wasn’t a heart attack, although I don’t know that hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is any better. Especially since it’s buried deep within my mom’s DNA – and subsequently possibly ours – and is generally only discovered when the afflicted drops dead.  It cannot be cured and only added to the gang of hoodlum ailments cracking their knuckles in line to kill my mom.

My mom has always said, “I’m going to live until I’m 80. I come from good stock,” in response to whatever health issue I was was wailing about (usually smoking.) And time and time again, she survives. Ever the cynic regarding her health, she’s slowly making a believer of me.  And I will gladly eat that crow if she makes it another 17 years, 5 months, and 2 days.

Remembering Bug

March 10, 2004

I am heartbroken for myself and everyone who knew Bug. This makes no sense to me and everyday I still can’t believe she’s gone. I can only promise her that I’ll honor her by making an effort to be as kind, loyal, caring, supportive and giving as she was. Bug was gravitational and you couldn’t help but love her. Her smile was contagious and her laugh unforgettable. I can only be thankful that she passed at a point in her life when she was purely happy. She is an example to live by: love fearlessly, cherish and celebrate family and friends, be kind to everyone, follow your dreams & sing and dance your heart out.

To Bug, simply said, thank you for a beautiful friendship. I know you are still with me and I hope you are there to meet me when it’s my time. ep.

Perspective

I was going to write today about how I weighed 146 lbs at the clinic this morning.  Then, I heard about a 14-year-old boy who ran away after he impregnated a 14-year-old girl who backed out of an abortion.  I read about the progress of a friend’s brother-in-law who’s treacherous path of cancer may be ending.

I decided to write about being thankful that the pain in my abdomen is likely a muscle strain and not something more serious. I’m grateful S is responding to and recovering quickly from treatment.  I’m happy that my mom is taking her meds and, while ever-present, she is able to look beyond the delusions. I feel blessed to celebrate the third engagement anniversary with someone I love even more than the day he asked.

I thankful for my health and happiness today – all 146 lbs of it.

Tofurky? Oh Boy…

Between viewing Forks Over Knives cooking a super greasy pot roast, and seeing nutritional information on a package of grass-fed beef (20g of fat per serving!!), I believe my days of red meat are over.  In fact, I believe I’ll be phasing out animal products in general.  However, I grew up in a meat-and-potato household.  In any given week of the five dinners I cook, 3-4 are meat based meals.  I eat tuna for lunch at least once a week. Oh, and I really love cheese. While incredibly worthwhile, this will not be an easy transition to a plant-based diet.

First, I really hate throwing food away so we’ll use up the blatant animal products we have at the house, including several cheeses, a flank steak, and tuna.

Then, I’ll work to build a stock of plant-based meals from which I can easily build a menu.

Last, I’ll continue shopping more consciously for whole and vegan foods.

Get Off the Fence Already

For more than a week, I’ve been perched upon a fence teetering between the easy out and jumping into the challenge. The nonsensical part is that I made up my mind to do something a long time ago and have been expending far too much energy waffling atop that fence.

Yesterday I called a donor with a question for work. She turned out to be a lobbyist. After hearing my idea she gently tipped me off of the fence, in the wonderful way only a Midwestern mother can.

Riding a fence is stupid anyway. I have no idea how to get Congress to make a change to a law, but I’m going to find out.

You don’t get to call my mom and the other 46.1 million Americans  ‘mental defectives.’  Watch out 18 U.S.C. § 922 : US Code – Section 922. I’m coming for you.

The Race is Long…

Way back when, I started my career in non-profit development as a bright-eyed 23-year-old.  It was the single most fulfilling job I’ve had to date. I worked long and hard and couldn’t wait for Mondays. Our event season ran from May to October and we spent 10-24 hours a day together during that time.  Needless to say, we were tight.

But making it on $21,191 a year is almost impossible and slowly one by one we moved on.  As many of us went corporate as moved onto to other non-profits.  While I averaged about 2.5 years per job, Jelly rooted into a non-profit, worked her way up to a vice president position. Just this past fall she took a position as an executive director.

She was born to lead and has all of the characteristics necessary to not only run an organization but to leave it better than she found it.

My first reaction was pride. I’m proud of her. But then I quickly turned it back on myself. Should I have been an ED by now? Am I as successful as I should be?

I’ve always liked being an individual contributor better.  I even thought dealing with an intern this past fall was the woooorst.  And the work an executive director does is mostly loathsome. There’s no way I want that job.

After spending too much time wondering if I was failing myself, I stopped to wonder why I was comparing myself to Jelly.  We were never on the same track in life, why on earth would I measure my success against her career path?

Baz Luhrmann said, “The race is long, but in the end, it’s only with yourself.”  True that.

Lol. Congress.

Mr. Buford noted in his response to my letter that the he learned the term ‘mental defectives from 18 U.S.C. § 922 : US Code – Section 922.  WTF is the term ‘mental defectives’ doing in US law? I emailed one of my college besties and go-to attorney to find out how to change the language.

Me: Hey – how do you change a word in a thing like this: 18 U.S.C. § 922 : US Code – Section 922? What is ‘this’ anyway?
Rasher: The citation below is to a statute (federal statutes – United States Code). Knowing what this is, I am now more curious why you are citing/referring to it??  I’m sure there is good reason.
Me: Well, if you’re Mr. Buford in California who has no concept of mental illness or the language to use when referencing it and you pull this statute as you reference point when talking to the media, you are perpetuating a stigma without even really intending to.
Rasher: Ah, so it’s in the statute.  So…..now what?  I feel some sort of crusade is about to be embarked upon….
Me: Who do I ask to change the language in the statute?
Rasher: Lol. Congress.

Lol. Congress. She just named my first book about my next ‘crusade.’