Carrot Coins with Cheese

Thanksgiving is an institution. Every year, my mom cooks while we play Monopoly in the kitchen.  My dad is always the battleship, the Blonde Wonder gets bored halfway through, VP turns into a slumlord, and I have an incessant need to own the first two ghetto purple properties. We free the china, Waterford, and silver from the sideboard for their thrice-yearly use.  We eat and then we watch a movie.

But the menu is really what the day is all about.  A turkey that spent much of the morning splayed in the sink under a cool waterfall.  Stove top stuffing, cranberry sauce that retained the shape of the can, the $6.99 pumpkin pie from the grocery store, Redi-Whip in the red can for said pie, yam balls which never made any sense to us and were never eaten, mashed potatoes from scratch, and carrot coins with cheese.

My mom had a simple philosophy when it came to feeding her children: if you put something they like on top of something they don’t like, they will eat it.  Just like hiding a pill inside of a cheese cube for a pup, I suppose.

Cauliflower? No!  Cauliflower with cheese sauce? Yes please!  Broccoli? Uh-uh. Broccoli with cheese on top?  Heck yeah!  Squash?  Negative. Squash with maple syrup and brown sugar?!  Hell to the no. (Okay, so her plan didn’t work every time.)

Aside from the annual game of Monopoly, I think I miss those carrots those most.  It’s been eight years since I had Thanksgiving with my family.  It’s also been eight years since I stopped talking to my dad, but that’s an entirely different story.

Since 2004, I’ve spent Thanksgiving with S and her family – 200 miles due east from my own.

Tonight, I was talking to my mom and she was telling what my brother had made for Thanksgiving dinner.  It wasn’t until she told me about the carrot coins with cheese that I closed my eyes tightly and felt the burn of tears. I realized, that the Thanksgiving menu I serve to my children will be turkey, Stove Top stuffing, gravy, Burt Reynolds Corn Pudding, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, and cranberry sauce in the shape of the can.  The Thanksgiving I will serve will mostly be S’s family’s menu – the Thanksgiving of my youth is like that of a grandmother’s undocumented recipe that is longed for but can never be recreated.

Of course it’s silly to mourn a menu, but in therapy, I’ve learned that mourning is a part of healing – even if that grief is over an idea or a memory.

So, I mourn.  RIP Thanksgiving 1984-2003.  Thank you for the memories, traditions, family time, the menu, my mom’s cooking and, of course, the carrot coins with cheese.

Crazy Goes to Voicemail

If you can’t laugh at mental illness, you’ll just cry all of the time. Trust me. I know.

There is an unspoken code in my family.  My mom has been sick for a very long time and like a team of lifeguards, each of us steps up to take his or her respective turn swimming out furiously to save my mom while desperately trying not to drown as she emotionally clings and flays about. It gets exhausting trying to save the person who lives in the tide.

Whenever my mom boards the ‘crazy train,’ family code dictates that whoever she drags aboard with her makes sure to notify the rest of us so, as we lovingly say, “crazy goes to voicemail.”

We all love my mom and we all want to help her, but Schizoaffective Disorder is an emotional leech. So each time, one of us simply ‘takes one for the team’ and spares the other three.

Last night, my mom called me four times between 7:30 p.m. and 11:30 p.m.  I didn’t hear the first two and then out of irritation, I ignored the second two at 11:14 p.m. and 11:28 p.m. respectively.  Her voicemails were reflective of her current mental state: manic.  Even though I knew I couldn’t do anything and calling her meant taking away from my life, good old Catholic guilt (@#$%) got the best of me and called her back.

When she’s sick, which is most of the time now, she can’t see beyond herself. She doesn’t inquire about me or my job or my husband or my life. She doesn’t care can’t focus on anything other that what she’s fixated on.  And it’s life-sucking for all parties involved, including her.  The neediest girlfriend doesn’t hold a candle to psychosis.

I’ve been working with the therapist and she blew my mind with one simple sentence. “It doesn’t matter if you’re happy or miserable, her life is going to be the same.”  What?!

From therapy part one, I learned and accepted (work in progress) that her decisions are hers. I cannot influence them, I cannot change them and I’m certainly not responsible for the consequences of her actions.  This is her life and these are her choices, regardless of where mental illness stops and my mom begins.

But now in therapy part two, I’m learning to live my own life. I’m learning that as much as I love my mom and want to fix her…I can’t.  There is simply nothing I can do.  It reminds me of Love Actually when Laura Linney’s character picks her mentally ill brother over her own happiness.  Yeah. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be happy.

Mom, I love you a lot, but I can’t follow you into the dark anymore.  I’ll be right here in the light with open arms if you can ever make your way back here.  But I can’t live with you in the dark anymore.

Where the Magic Happens

It was a great day.

A comp day from a thoughtful and smart manager, it started out with good pain at the premiere of season two of therapy. Turns out, the crying can be explained in one word: grief. ‘Ambiguous Loss‘ precisely, as the phrase has been coined. While we haven’t lost our mom in body yet, we lost a lot of her personality on September 26, 2008 to a stroke. Since then, more and more is lost to her unrelenting Schizoaffective Disorder every day. We are caught between the loss that was and the loss that will be.

Lost has been the innocence that S and I will actually live what we’ve joked about for years – old and senile, rocking in chairs on a porch. I made S promise that I get to go first.

I will likely lose my mom and my best friend within the next year. It is overwhelming to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. But, that’s what therapy is for…

TB and I then embarked on what would become an impromptu Choose Your Own Adventure day. First, we ended up eating wings at the sports bar. From there we spent down three of the last gift cards from the wedding, saw a movie, planned out the Christmas season over coffee, had a chair massage, priced out my new computer, bought new shoes, purchased a tree topper for Christmas (I’m so excited), and tried new sushi rolls for dinner.

It was heavenly.

The movie was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was so, so good. So good. Difficult subject matter at points [spoiler alert] dealing with sexual abuse, but it rivals my long-standing favorite movie, Rudy.

I’d like to start living more in the moment. Seizing life. More days like yesterday. Opportunities in which cozying up on the couch and living vicariously through movies and television would have been fine and safe, but not magical like yesterday was.

Clean in ’13 Update

With a grimace, I stepped on the (unofficial) scale for the first time since weighing in at 146 lbs on September 5. While there were grander hopes than 141 lbs, I’m happy to see progress in the right direction.  An annual physical on Friday will determine the official progress.

Working out might help – right now my YMCA membership might as well be considered a charitable donation. I have been interested in the much costlier CrossFit, but will wait on that until the New Year’s Resolution crowd has fallen back into their bad habits.

Clean in ’13 has been a beneficial experience. I’ve found that the foods I crave all week are not very fulfilling when consumed on the weekend.  I’ve even found myself having trouble eating poorly on Friday…but by Saturday, that hesitation is long gone.  I also eat a lot less.  And those are all wins.

Make New Friends But Keep the Old…

…one is silver and the others gold. As the Girl Scouts song goes.

For a shoddy memory, mine never ceases to amaze when it comes to the most random of details.  A snippet of a song from more than twenty years ago I recall, yet what I had for breakfast yesterday eludes me…or if breakfast was even consumed. Ugh.

While I’ve fallen prey to a few dastards in the first 2.5 decades of life, I have successfully avoided and rid my circle of toxic people.  Yet, one remains. ‘We’ is that friend for which an explanation is always necessary prior to introduction. As in, “She’s abrasive and snooty and pretentious when first meet her, but she’s a dear once you get to know her.”

(‘We’ is actually the nickname we use for her because she sheds her personal identity when in a relationship.)

Of course her snoot and pretension surface from deeply rooted insecurities, but I have always been able to see past her ‘less flattering’ side for her better qualities.

That was until my wedding.  One month before the wedding, we were having lunch and I told her that TB would no longer be drawing a salary from his start-up company beginning about the time we were married.  I told her how the idea of being financially tethered to someone who would now be financially dependent on me was scary.  I was looking for a friend in that moment to tell me that everything was going to be fine.

Instead, she said to me: “Matt and I don’t lend people money.”

I was befuddled and humiliated.  I wasn’t asking for money, I was asking for support. Our friendship had started to unravel long before that comment, but it fast-forwarded it for me.

The idea of shedding a friendship that’s longevity is approaching two decades is kind of unimaginable.  While I retained zero friends from high school, I also had no idea who I was at 18-years-old. Today, while continual evolution is guaranteed, I have a pretty good idea who I am. I know who to keep and who to drop.

Huh. Come to think of it…I met We when I was 18.  Perhaps that song should actually be, ‘Make new friends, but keep only the gold.’

Puppy Fever…Cured

Laddy will forever be my best dog.  A Shetland Sheepdog, he was my bestie growing up. I vividly remember being 13-years-old, curled up in his fur into the wee hours of the morning of the day my parents knew it was time to take him into to be euthanized. I cried for three days straight.

After Laddy, there were a series of dogs that flowed in and out of my unaffected adolescence. Butch, the beautiful Samoyed who left to live at the farm after hell nor high water could keep him tethered in the yard. Lady, the skittish rescued Gold Retriever who only liked my mom. And finally Rickie, the Pomeranian who was priced as such but as he aged it became quite apparent one of his parents had a thing for a pug.

                      

After college, I moved in with T-Doll and she bought a puppy: Bailey. The Bernese Mountain Dog better known, very sarcastically, as my BFF. Bailey is a shedding, shitting mess of neuroses.  He has something called ‘Fly Biting Syndrome’ where he sees things that aren’t really there. In my family, we call that Schizophrenia.

And Bailey looooooooves me. He goes ape-shit when I walk in. He’s seven now and during the handful of times a year I visit T-Mick (new name: she got married), I’ve grown to tolerate him.

Then I lived with Bobo and KM…and Piper. Piper is a Vizsla. Piper is my best buddy. I love Piper.  She now has a brother who was rescued from the streets: Murphy. Don’t tell Piper, but I might like Murph more.

All of that back story to talk about Boog.  Boog is a Great Pyrenees. He is to date, my favorite puppy (alive, of course. RIP, Laddy.)

We dogsit for Boog probably once or twice a year. He’s a great pup and sleeps most of the day away (he’s a giant. If I were proportionately 7’5″, I’d probably sleep a lot too.) Despite the shedding and drooling, he’s just a good boy. That is until he spend last summer at the cabin and turned feral.

He quite literally ate the curtains. He also hates straps. As in the ‘I-still-can’t-believe-I-spent-that-much-money-on-a-bag’ shoulder strap he severed. Boog’s owners are kindly replacing the curtains and even having their leather guy (apparently you need a ‘ leather guy’ if you have Boog) create a new strap if Kenneth Cole cannot send a replacement.

Needless to say, the puppy-fever TB and I had has been cured. Even though we miss Boog now that he’s gone home, we’re pretty happy with our clean, dogless home.

The Panhandler’s Dog

In the past decade or so, the downtown panhandlers in our fair city have embarked on an urban sprawl. It was weird when they came five miles south of downtown to my neighborhood but it was even stranger to see them twenty miles from the city on the off-ramp to my parent’s house.

I used to get irate with these folks. I viewed them as lazy.  I’d see the same guy when I left in the morning and returned at night.  Seriously?! I just worked my butt off at work and you spent 8+ hours begging?  Really?!

Preconceived notions and stereotypes are usually corrected by one of two ways: education or experience.

I started a job two years ago and learned about poverty. I learned that while I’m thinking about and planning for my life ten, twenty, thirty years from now, a person living on the streets can’t see past today.  He’s thinking about a dry, warm place to sleep tonight. Retirement plans?  Savings accounts? Pfft.  He’s more worried about if he’ll eat tonight.

Then there’s the issue of ‘lack.’  Lack of education. Lack of address. Lack of clean clothing or a place to shower.  Lack of healthy relationships. Lack of resources.

The greatest misperception of a person who is homeless is that she chose that life.  The biggest lie about a person addicted to substance is that it’s his fault.  Sure, there are always exceptions to the rule, but the vast majority of people who are homeless or addicted to drugs or alcohol comes down to one thing our society shuns: mental illness.

If breast cancer is the prom queen, mental illness is the redheaded stepchild not cool enough for the AV Club.  Sure mental illness is scary and uncomfortable – just think about what it’s like in the shoes of the person living with it. Imagine not being able to control your own brain.  Let’s call mental illness what it is: a brain cancer. It’s just like cancer: they can’t control it and they sure as hell don’t want it.

‘Malaise,’ It’s Hipster for ‘Depressed’

Malaise sucks. Being an advocate for people with mental illness is easy, the idea that I might be clinically depressed, well…that’s a whole other pill to swallow.  It can be twisted and presented as a digestible ‘situational depression malaise’ because after all, my best friend will die of cancer and it’s a Vegas crap shoot which ailment will soon claim my mom’s life. Clinical or situational, it’s hard to be happy in the middle of feeling helpless and out of control.

TB and I were working on our homework from ‘marriage continuing ed’ last night.  We had one simple assignment: list the things that are exciting about having a baby.  Two hours, puffy eyes, and a half a box of Kleenex later, I still didn’t have an answer…or any clue as to what the hell was the root issue of the crying.  The only answer I came up with is that the idea of something else needing me, taking from me, being a bigger priority than me – is just overwhelming.

Even though I want a family, I’m not excited to have a baby. Rather I’m completely exhausted by the mere idea.

So, we’ve moved the goal post on babies.  And while the OMG moment here might be realizing that I will feel indefinitely helpless and out of control with kids, I still need to figure out how to manage feeling helpless and out of control since I can’t do anything about S’s cancer or my mom’s mental illness.  And, dammit, I’m tired of life under this cloud of doom and gloom.  I want to be happy and vibrant and lively again (like I was when TB first met me – before the last five years of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type, strokes, cancer, PTSD, etc.) and I want to learn how to not ride the roller coaster with my loved ones, but instead be there for them when they get on and off.  And I have no earthly idea how to do that.

So back to therapy I go…

Stuck, Shellac & A Side of Yes-piration

Stuck
The month after we married in 2011, TB, as he says, began working “without drawing a salary” from his start-up business (see: unemployed.)  In September, a friend threw him a bone and he’s working a contract job for the election making half of what he did in early 2011.  Marrying a man who immediately after was unable to contribute to our new family, but rather starting borrowing my emergency savings was not only scary but really a hard pill to swallow.  Normally Type A and very fiscally responsible (thanks, dad), I’ve surprised myself in being pretty cool about the whole situation.  But now, after more than a year without being able to take a vacation or do any house projects, and being on the heavy side of our 50/50 arrangement, resentment and restlessness are setting in.

I’m sick to death of the abstract conversations about refinishing the tub, fixing the sink, cleaning the ducts, updating the kitchen, finishing the basement, etc. Fed up feeling stuck, I purchased a light fixture to replace the awful light in the office.  Since electricity scares the bajesus out of me, TB lovingly agreed to install it. After he surely fried the unit’s wiring trying to install,  it’s now collecting dust on the floor.  Deflated doesn’t even begin to describe the disappointment.

Lately, any financial woes have always resulted in the same fear: going into debt to have a baby. The idea of taking on the stress of the financial burden of a kid is just too much. Kids are off the table until this family achieves financial stability.

Shellac
S and I went for pedicures and to try gel (Shellac) manicures today.  If this manicure lasts the two weeks it’s advertised to do, I’m hooked.  It was set before we left the salon – having yet to ever successfully fasten a seat belt without dinging a fresh manicure, this is HUGE.  TB loathes the smell of nail polish, so I rarely have well-manicured nails.  This would be a game-changer and a step forward in my attempt to look like less of a trainwreck. Stand by for a final report.

Yes-piration
Early on it was evident that TB was a keeper for several reasons. Including his friends. We already had a bunch of mutual friends, but each of us fit right into the others circle of friends.  His friends are awesome.  I adore all of them.

Saturday we went out with a bunch of his our friends.  I had a particularly awesome conversation with B-Dub. ‘Lemons into lemonade’ might as well be this guy’s mantra.  He was laid off six months ago and turned a healthy severance package into a six-month journey of self-exploration. In taking an improv class, he talked about learning to say ‘yes’ to almost anything.  He learned to forge a path outside of his comfort zone and took boxing lessons, joined a bowling league, took cooking lessons, and a dozen other things he’s always wanted to do. He reminded me that I really do need to chase down my next ‘thing.’

So now, with gentle nudge from a friend, the focus will be to get ‘unstuck’ and to identify my new ‘thing’ because I’ve got to do something with this pent up energy other than simply putting twice the energy into maintaining composure and trying not to lash out at TB.

Green 101

The reduction of household trash as a direct result of composting and increased recycling efforts has been amazing.  The goal to reduce to one bag of trash a month has been successful to date.

While one bag of trash is great, it’s becoming apparent that the bulk of our  waste is now comprised of soiled paper products like Kleenex, napkins, paper towels, Q-Tips, etc.  Our city launched a pilot program in one of the neighborhoods (not mine) to recycle this type of waste and if this program is implemented citywide, I would estimate our trash would be reduced to one bag every quarter. But what to do in the interim or if this program is abandoned?

The county will let constituents bring this type of trash to a recycling center located just a little too far away.  A decent option if we had a place to store and accumulate waste in order to make a quarterly trip, but since space is limited, onto the next plan.

The fancy washing machine has a sanitary setting that could be the conduit of change to cloth napkins, and to reduce paper towels in favor of old rags to dust, wash the windows, clean the kitchen, and parts of the bathroom.  But alas, a quick search for ‘alternatives to Q-tips’ yielded nothing worth repeating and handkerchiefs sound like a really bad plan during cold season, so those may remain vices for the time being.

A friend has also raved about the Diva Cup and while it’s an attractive idea from the waste and toxic shock syndrome standpoint, but for now, we’ll consider that ‘extreme green’ to my adventures in Green 101.