Lol Congress: Day 33

It’s been a 22-day dry spell, but I’ve heard from another one.

Dear xxxx,

I wanted to write and let you know that the Congressman received your letter, and he wanted me to respond personally.  Thank you pointing out the importance in the way which terms used to describe those who are mentally ill cause stigmas.  As you know, there have been different words used throughout history to describe different groups of people that are insensitive or inappropriate.  Hopefully, over time, all these terms will be removed from legislative statutes.

Best,
Liz

Legislative Assistant
Office of Congressman E

*eye roll*

In replying to this fluffy, stupid, brush-off email, I curtly asked if I should interpret this response on Congressman E’s behalf as disinterest and I’d be better served pursuing other avenues to get this accomplished. Her response:

xxxx,
Regardless of the work that the Congressman decides to do on this issue, I would be exploring as many avenues as possible.  I will be doing some research on the topic and then talking with him about it.  I’ll need a few weeks to do research.  I won’t know if it’s a topic he’ll want to pursue until I talk to him, but I do know that mental health issues are important to him.  Federal legislation takes quite some time to produce, introduce, etc.  For instance, I’ve been working on a bill since December that has yet to be introduced—it’s important to get it right.  I can be back in touch once I have had a chance to do research and talk with the Congressman.
Liz

It will be a pleasant surprise to hear from Congressman E’s office again.  In the interim, May 25 will mark two months allowed for my state and federal representatives to respond. At that time, I will pursue other avenues…whatever those may be.

PS There isn’t a business professional out there who wouldn’t get shit-canned if it took two months to respond to correspondence. *exasperated eye roll*

Horse Pill

When S called on Monday – the very day some sociopath bombed the Boston Marathon – to tell me the cancer had spread to her brain, I didn’t feel anything. Not numbness. Not upset. Not defeat. Nothing.

I’ve decided that’s because this news of a brain tumor is a horse pill.  It is one supersized pill too far. No matter how I try to swallow it, I can’t. I just keep spitting it out. It doesn’t matter what hopeful or devastating statistics it’s hidden in, it’s not going down. So I refuse.

S BrainThere’s no doubt a pinky-nail-sized tumor exists.  Yes, I see you cancer. But even though you are 1.5 inches deep into cerebral business in which you do not belong, I refuse to accept you.

Be it denial or instant acceptance, either way I’m fine with rejecting this brain tumor of a horse pill. I know that one day I will have to choke it down if the cancer wins, but for now and as long as I can, I refuse.

Lol Congress: Day 11

Eleven days ago, 16 letters were postmarked to 14 elected officials – from my representative to the President – and two local advocates to change the phrase ‘mental defectives’ in US law.

Today, the post office delivered the first two responses.

Representative W said in essence, ‘Dear fill-in-the-blank, thanks for your letter.  Since you’re not in my district, you’re not my problem. But here’s your representative’s address. Have a nice day.

photo 1

The first of the two advocates, Former Representative R, replied on a more personal level (but probably only because he knows who I am via TB, my brother-in-law, and a friend of mine.) ‘I wholeheartedly agree with you, but since I’m not in Congress anymore, I suggest you contact your current congresspeople.

photo 2

Erg. I knew I should have included a list of those I copied to avoid the inevitable ‘you should talk to so-and-so’ responses.

In sixth grade, I wrote to the first President Bush with a recycling initiative. Six months later, with generic response in hand, I learned that only the loud and unrelenting are heard.  I was small and meek at 12 years old.  Some things have changed in the twenty years between receiving a form letter from the White House and today. While still small, meek was a skin I shed in high school.

Fourteen responses to go.  All I need is one bite.

68 Hours of What?

im·pinge [im-pinj] verb, im·pinged
to encroach; infringe (usually followed by on  or upon  ): to impinge on another’s rights.

What impingement means to me is six weeks on the bench and physical therapy. There’s a whole mess of duct tape and dreams holding a shoulder together. In our society today, so much time is spent hunched over a keyboard that certain posturing muscles are neglected.

So, as it would be: Muscle negligence + CrossFit = Impingement.  At least in my case.

I’ve been advised to not even run because the arm swing could irritate good ol’ lefty.  At first I was happy to have the 4.5 hours back from my thrice-weekly CrossFitting.  But then I thought about it. There are 168 hours in a week. Sixty of those are spent sleeping and another 40 are spent at work.  That leaves 68 hours of unaccounted time.

On what, exactly, am I spending those 68 hours?  Perhaps the answer to why the return of those 4.5 hours is so important lies within that very question.

So, I’m going to track my time and figure it out. I can only hope that these numbers will do for me what seeing the nutritional information for red meat did for my diet [insert dry heave here.]

Hard lessons about the value of time have been learned – again – in the last year. Why the hell would I waste even a moment of those 68 hours??

My Buford

It is important imperative to make 30 minutes to watch this.  I don’t even like church, and I was spellbound.

Nine years ago, we lost Bug; we will likely prematurely lose S; and I consider my mom to be a breathing miracle every day.  I didn’t realize until this very moment, I literally have a Buford named Buford.  He’s not cancer, but he’s a mountain I want to move.  And he’s not likely to go easily.  Mr. Buford unknowingly sparked my revolution.  Though LOL Congress is still a seed, it’s growing. And from that seed, I’m going to change the world.

Okay, really I’m just going to change a word in the world. But it’s a word that’s hurting a lot of people.

Live. Because I am coming. Touche, Lt. Col. Weber. Touche.

My Things

I have a new thing.  In the daily hustle and bustle, my things keep me interested and entertained.  Life would be pretty boring without them.

My friends and family give me a familiar amused smile whenever they hear me proclaim, I have a new thing. Last time, my thing was to see how long it would take to see a license plate from every state around my town.  I started with a bang last April 17 (another benefit of living at the junction of two major interstates) but now I only have one left.  New Hampshire. I figured Hawaii or Alaska would be the toughest.  Negative.  Turns out not too many Rhode Islander or Hampshirer (Hampshiranese? Hampshi? Hampshiranian? Hampsholish?  *Snort* Ha!) vehicles run through this Midwest metropolis. At least not when I’m on the road.

Today, I stumbled upon my new thing. I’m not actually sure how this idea came to be, but it probably had something to do with the same three stations always simultaneously on commercial break.  So a new thing was born: listen to a new radio station every day. Every stop on the AM and FM dials. How neat to experience new music and radio shows?  I love doing it out of town (Sunday morning Polka in Wisconsin anyone?) so why not in my wonderful hometown?

Today, I set my radio to the lowest frequency permitted and pressed the magic ‘search’ button.  It landed on a pledge drive.  Ugh.  I stuck it out and discovered the loveliness that is jazz.  I spent the morning commute wishing I was enjoying the warming blanket of a glass of wine while listening to the crickets and frogs at dusk in the perfect heat of a summer’s night. Mmmmmm…jazz.  I didn’t really get it, but I sure did enjoy it.

Regardless of what I stumble into, I decided I won’t change the radio station for 24 hours.  No matter what.  Unless it’s religious music. I just can’t do it.  Instead I’ll play sports and political talk roulette.  The only thing I can think of that would be more painful than play-by-play baseball is being trapped in a car with Rush Limbaugh.  But I’m no quitter. I will gut out a booball game or that knuckle dragger like a champ.  Besides, that’s what the volume button is for.

The Fear Lies in the Unknown

I love the train. When I worked downtown, I loved the 20 minute warm up and cool down to my day.  It was 40 minutes dedicated to reading or daydreaming.  Turns out, I liked the train far more than I liked that job.

The bus is a different story.  I’ve been scared of the bus for as long as I can remember.  All of the routes, all of the stops, all of the times, all of the buses – I started sweating just thinking about it. But I was determined to get home on it this weekend.

There were bus stops at three of the four corners of the intersection to which Google maps directed me. Ahh! Which one?!?!  The first two looks like weekday-only stops with routes 133-179. I needed 5. The 5B to be precise. And it’s icy. This Sherpa couldn’t possibly sprint between them whilst carrying my weekend on my back.  Crap.  The third one had a listing for the 5B. Whew. Maybe this isn’t rocket science after all.

It doesn’t give change, barked the bus driver.  I looked for the quarter owed to me.  It doesn’t give change, she spat again.  Frazzled, I wedged myself on the very first seat, my butt fighting my bag for space. The bag was winning and even the quadriceps keeping me off of the floor didn’t care.  To my left, the unshaven older man from the stop who I was certain was going to start screaming at me about the people stealing his stuff. I’ve heard plenty of urban tales about the ‘crazies’ who ride the bus. However, a screamer was the least of photomy worries – mental illness I get. The bus I do not. Across from me were four ladies in Hijabs and snow boots. Each downtown stop picked up riders who all looked very different from me. I didn’t care, but I stood out and was suddenly very aware of it.

Even as the gruff lady bus driver grumbled each stop, 22nd – and it’s a toss up if she was talking to me, 26th, or my fellow new-American passengers as she said this bus doesn’t go to the mall. 28th – I still worried I’d boarded the wrong bus, 30th, I’d get shanked, 32nd, one of the guys on the bus was going to follow me off and snatch my purse, 34th, where are my keys, 38th, that girl’s hair is really cute, 40th, I need to remember to note what not to pack on my next me-time adventure, 42nd, TB and I should take the bus more often, 43rd…dang it! A rider pulled the the stop cord before I could.

It was stupid to be afraid of the bus.  But I’m sure proud of myself for figuring that out.

Me Time

I used to simply chock it up to I’m just bad at vacationing. I love being warm and outside, but have never been any good at sitting still, so planting my behind on a beach is exactly the opposite of relaxing.  It’s torturous.

Slowly though, I’m figuring it out.  First, the site visit to Hawaii.  In my former line of work as an event planner, it was my job to advance the event.  Whether it was marking a route at midnight and unlocking biffies at 4:00 a.m. for a fundraising walk or sampling spas and swimming with the dolphins in Hawaii for an incentive trip – it was my job to do and know everything ahead of an event.  While on said site visit, we (my then best-manager-ever, Red) would work half of the day and then meet up with TB and her husband – who had been either golfing or sampling every cocktail on the pool menu – to see the island by helicopter, swim with the dolphins, lounge by the pool, or eat at the expensive restaurants. Fifty-percent work, 50% play.  Perfect, except working vacations  like that pale quickly in the light of 40 straight 80-hour weeks.  No good.

In fact our honeymoon was negotiated to fit a working vacation model – 50% beach, 50% activity.  Half the time comprised of sloth, half the time hiking or snorkeling or playing a game – dear god anything but holding down a beach chair.

Fast forward to this week.  I think I’ve discovered the perfect vacation for me.  Two weeks ago, my boss RC told me to take some time off. Not in the friendly suggestion kind of way, but rather in the I-think-you’re-about-to-have-a-breakdown-so-get-the-hell-out-of-here kind of a way.  RC has been great and very empathetic to the situations with my mom and S, but recognized better than I that a human being can only go so long without taking care of herself.

Since TB is unable to travel at present for several reasons and I have an irrational fear of rape and murder associated with solo travel, I planned a 48-hour getaway…precisely six miles from my house. I took a staycation.  I detest that phrase as much as coining a couple ‘Bennifer’ but it’s apropos in this case.  I booked a room downtown and made a slew of spa appointments. I planned to read and write and do whatever moved me in that moment.

I checked in last night after dinner with my sweetheart.  Last night seemed wasted, reading anything and everything alone in my room.  The spendthrift in me wondered why I was spending all of this money. But by this morning, after my house made granola parfait and four hours at the spa, I was singing a different tune.  In fact, after four hours of massages and facials, I was rethinking my stance on trophy wives.

A delightfully skinny pregnant woman called Brooke did something no other masseuse has yet to accomplish.  (Well, aside from the hot stone masseuse in Hawaii, but let’s be honest, it’s Hawaii, half of her job was already done.)  Brooke coaxed the thought tornado down to a tradewind.  I actually stopped. I don’t know the last time I truly stopped my body, much less my mind. She lulled me into relaxation.  If stress were the devil, she would be an exorcist.  She’s a stressorcist.

I then meandered photo(1)to my old stomping grounds and ate my favorite salad in the daylight of an atrium. I wrote for hours amidst the hustle and bustle of skyway traffic. From there I met one of my besties Rasher for dinner.  I see her religiously every week. In fact, Rasher and our other friend M might as well be my church. Anyway, due to circumstances, I hadn’t seen or really talked to her in a month.  We talked for three hours straight but in reality could have sat there for eight and not felt caught up.  Now, I’m in the hotel lobby (the alone-in-my-room thing didn’t work) drinking my fav wine, writing, and listening to killer music (O.A.R. – listen to the old stuff. The new stuff is a stripped-down commercialized version of genius.)

Tomorrow, I’ll workout, write more in the lobby, go to breakfast if I feel like it, and then learn to take the bus home.

And that’s how I rock the vacation of a stressed-out control freak.

Whaaat?!

“Whaaat?!” was my mom’s reaction to the ER doctor, as if he just told her she was pregnant at 62. On the other hand I don’t know why it was my first reaction to laugh when the freckled doctor, EKG in hand, told her she was having a heart attack. Perhaps it was shock. Or maybe disbelief. I was so certain we were coming in for mental illness under the guise of physical ailments that I never considered that she might actually be physically sick. I had even called ahead to warn the ER of my mom’s mental illness.

I most likely laughed because I found myself unbelievably thankful that Catholic guilt steamrolls any logic in its path.

It’s common knowledge that a call from my mom after 10:00 p.m. is never a sign of mental stability. When I picked up at 11:30 p.m., I immediately regretted it. However, guilt for failing to return her call from the day prior overrode my sensibility.  Sure enough, she told me she was hyperventilating (she clearly was not) and that ‘they’ had broken in and stolen her medication information.  She wanted to go the ER because she thought her blood thinner was causing her shortness of breath and she wanted to learn about her medication. Hardly a reason to go to the emergency room. Hardly a reason for me to redress and drive out into the suburbs in the wee hours of a Saturday morning. But nothing I said convinced her otherwise, so very begrudgingly and fueled only by guilt I drove the 30 minutes to her house, swearing at mental illness every mile.

The surefire way to be seen by a doctor in the emergency room right away is to mention any symptom of a heart attack Or tell triage you’re getting married the next day. Either one seems to expedite the process.

As assumed, they took ‘I’m having shortness of breath’ pretty seriously down there B-Town. I grew up in this particular nondescript suburb and if more years than I care to admit hadn’t already passed, I would be able to name every non-Caucasian kid in my class of 700. Its not nearly as understanding of difference as the metropolis from which it feeds. It is fair to say that my experience with the mental health system over the past 25 years has jaded my expectations of the humanity shown to any person mankind has deemed crazy.  I was especially nervous for the level of compassion for someone with mental illness at a hospital without a psychiatric unit. Funny thing when your expectations are in the toilet you tend to be blow away by even the most basic of courtesies.  I was overwhelmed by the kindness shown to my mom by everyone. She wasn’t treated like a pariah or a child. They were kind and sincere. Not at all what I expected after I had already quietly outed her mental illness diagnosis to the attending nurse.

In the end it wasn’t a heart attack, although I don’t know that hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is any better. Especially since it’s buried deep within my mom’s DNA – and subsequently possibly ours – and is generally only discovered when the afflicted drops dead.  It cannot be cured and only added to the gang of hoodlum ailments cracking their knuckles in line to kill my mom.

My mom has always said, “I’m going to live until I’m 80. I come from good stock,” in response to whatever health issue I was was wailing about (usually smoking.) And time and time again, she survives. Ever the cynic regarding her health, she’s slowly making a believer of me.  And I will gladly eat that crow if she makes it another 17 years, 5 months, and 2 days.

Remembering Bug

March 10, 2004

I am heartbroken for myself and everyone who knew Bug. This makes no sense to me and everyday I still can’t believe she’s gone. I can only promise her that I’ll honor her by making an effort to be as kind, loyal, caring, supportive and giving as she was. Bug was gravitational and you couldn’t help but love her. Her smile was contagious and her laugh unforgettable. I can only be thankful that she passed at a point in her life when she was purely happy. She is an example to live by: love fearlessly, cherish and celebrate family and friends, be kind to everyone, follow your dreams & sing and dance your heart out.

To Bug, simply said, thank you for a beautiful friendship. I know you are still with me and I hope you are there to meet me when it’s my time. ep.