Aug 29 2012
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cancer, reduce

Clean in ’13

According to the Center for Disease Control”s BMI Calculator, I’m teetering on the edge of overweight.  The CDC tells me that I should be between 108 and 145 lbs.  I’m 143 with no cap in sight.

More important than any number, I feel gross. I feel blubbery and uncomfortable. The ‘Pants Dance’ is required to get into newly washed jeans and the last time I had to wear a bikini was probably the beginning of an anxiety disorder.

There are two options: grow six inches taller or drop the weight. While continuing to hold out hope that the growth spurt I never had in high school is on the horizon, the reality of the situation is that I need to lose 20 pounds.

20 lbs.  = 4 reams of paper
20 lbs. = $400 in quarters
20 lbs. = a car tire
20 lbs. = back fat, fanny pack, saddle bags, muffin top, and rolls:

(It’s a harsh dose of reality to post these. Plus, before and after pictures are a reward in and of themselves.)

In addition to issues of will power and motivation, there’s another dashingly handsome issue: TB loves unhealthy food. Loooooves it.  It took a while, but I finally convinced him that we should go Clean in 2014 (a catchy name never hurts.) Only whole, organic, healthy food and drink with a gracious 1.5 years to gear up and eat as badly as he wants.

Then S got cancer.

And Clean in ’14 became Clean in ’13 (whew, the catchy name still works.)  In negotiating this with TB, Clean in ’13 was modified to bridge the gap and the 80/20 model was born. 80% clean, 20% dirty.  Baby steps.

Aug 28 2012
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cancer, recycle, reduce

Chemo & Compost

It’s dreary in the city befitting a day in the chemo unit.  However, the sun peeks out through holes in the cloud cover from time to time as if to say, “Hey! Don’t give up hope in this shitstorm.”

The machine pumping saline and poisons into S has an oddly soothing rhythm about it. Neil Armstrong died this week and the History Channel is celebrating his life on the television in front of me. Did you know the moon is so bright and reflective of the sun because moon ‘dirt’ is something like 30%-60% glass?  At least I think that’s what they said. Since lunar science isn’t why I’m here, I’m paying attention to everything while retaining almost nothing today.

On a lighter note, after about a year of wanting, I’ve finally purchased garden and kitchen compost bins.  I asked TB the other night if he thought we could get down to one bag of trash every month between recycling and composting.  I bet we can.

Aug 27 2012
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adventure, cancer, mental illness

It Starts Today

Seven days ago, I was getting a massage and the masseuse asked what I do outside of work. I’ve always had a great answer to that question ranging from race training or a new painting to a great adventure or new project. But I didn’t have an answer this time. My life is incomprehensibly busy (much of the activity happening in my brain) but none of it was about me.

It’s time to make a change. After eight months of intense dealings with other people’s Schizoaffective Disorder and Stage IV Melanoma, it’s time to refocus on Number One. Mental illness and cancer will continue to play a large role in my life as they are leeching life from my mom and my best friend respectively, but these parasites can’t be the sole reason I rise in the morning. Yes, the odds indicate that mental illness and cancer will probably win. But these moochers will not best me.

I’ve been working with a therapist for nine months. The dust is settling and I’m starting to see results through the haze. Between once again learning the tough lesson that life is too short and finally starting to break free of the cycle of a chaotic youth, I’m finding my footing and I’m finding my freedom.

With that, I’m blindly embarking on the greatest adventure of my life: me.

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