Category Archives: renew

Nov 10 2012
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adventure, cancer, mental illness, renew

Where the Magic Happens

It was a great day.

A comp day from a thoughtful and smart manager, it started out with good pain at the premiere of season two of therapy. Turns out, the crying can be explained in one word: grief. ‘Ambiguous Loss‘ precisely, as the phrase has been coined. While we haven’t lost our mom in body yet, we lost a lot of her personality on September 26, 2008 to a stroke. Since then, more and more is lost to her unrelenting Schizoaffective Disorder every day. We are caught between the loss that was and the loss that will be.

Lost has been the innocence that S and I will actually live what we’ve joked about for years – old and senile, rocking in chairs on a porch. I made S promise that I get to go first.

I will likely lose my mom and my best friend within the next year. It is overwhelming to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. But, that’s what therapy is for…

TB and I then embarked on what would become an impromptu Choose Your Own Adventure day. First, we ended up eating wings at the sports bar. From there we spent down three of the last gift cards from the wedding, saw a movie, planned out the Christmas season over coffee, had a chair massage, priced out my new computer, bought new shoes, purchased a tree topper for Christmas (I’m so excited), and tried new sushi rolls for dinner.

It was heavenly.

The movie was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was so, so good. So good. Difficult subject matter at points [spoiler alert] dealing with sexual abuse, but it rivals my long-standing favorite movie, Rudy.

I’d like to start living more in the moment. Seizing life. More days like yesterday. Opportunities in which cozying up on the couch and living vicariously through movies and television would have been fine and safe, but not magical like yesterday was.

Oct 29 2012
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cancer, mental illness, reduce, renew

‘Malaise,’ It’s Hipster for ‘Depressed’

Malaise sucks. Being an advocate for people with mental illness is easy, the idea that I might be clinically depressed, well…that’s a whole other pill to swallow.  It can be twisted and presented as a digestible ‘situational depression malaise’ because after all, my best friend will die of cancer and it’s a Vegas crap shoot which ailment will soon claim my mom’s life. Clinical or situational, it’s hard to be happy in the middle of feeling helpless and out of control.

TB and I were working on our homework from ‘marriage continuing ed’ last night.  We had one simple assignment: list the things that are exciting about having a baby.  Two hours, puffy eyes, and a half a box of Kleenex later, I still didn’t have an answer…or any clue as to what the hell was the root issue of the crying.  The only answer I came up with is that the idea of something else needing me, taking from me, being a bigger priority than me – is just overwhelming.

Even though I want a family, I’m not excited to have a baby. Rather I’m completely exhausted by the mere idea.

So, we’ve moved the goal post on babies.  And while the OMG moment here might be realizing that I will feel indefinitely helpless and out of control with kids, I still need to figure out how to manage feeling helpless and out of control since I can’t do anything about S’s cancer or my mom’s mental illness.  And, dammit, I’m tired of life under this cloud of doom and gloom.  I want to be happy and vibrant and lively again (like I was when TB first met me – before the last five years of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type, strokes, cancer, PTSD, etc.) and I want to learn how to not ride the roller coaster with my loved ones, but instead be there for them when they get on and off.  And I have no earthly idea how to do that.

So back to therapy I go…

Oct 07 2012
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renew

My Brethern

TB’s cousin was married on Friday night bringing together three of his siblings and their respective plus ones.  As far as in-laws go, they’re pretty okay.  But it’s the plus ones are who I look forward to seeing.  And giggling and gossiping like school girls in the corner is where you’ll see us.

Technically, there are five of us: one wife of 15 years, a husband of five years, a boyfriend of eight years, a husband of nine months, and me.  However, Wife+15 left after dinner (she’s awesome, but without a doubt her husband’s infidelities will soon require renaming her Ex-Wife #1) and we’ve yet to meet Husband+9mo, so as usual, it was just Husband+5, Boyfriend+8, and me. My Brethren.

I look forward to TB’s family events because of them.  TB’s family isn’t any more or less crazy or functional than any other, but to have comrades with which to hide in the corner during holidays, life events, and the thankfully infrequent loathsome occasions like first birthday parties is truly invaluable.  Besides, where there is drama, passive-aggression, in-fighting, and caddishness in the family that brings us together, there is none of that to be found in the brethren.

Last, and contrary to anything I’ve ever known, the spirits are always free flowing at family events. Oh Shiraz and Malbec, you brilliant rainmakers of patience.

Booze and brethren. That’s all you need to survive in-laws.

Oct 03 2012
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adventure, reduce, renew

Career A, Job B, or Career C

Career A: what began in non-profit, ended twelve years later in corporate burnout…

Job B: scraping together barely enough suitable experience and an executive director with one foot out the door, I landed a job in non-profit that I’m not really qualified to do…nor do I love.

Career C: unknown possible future career?

Job B is fine. It’s good enough. It’s a decent salary, my boss is awesome, and I get to do a bunch of stuff I like doing. But I don’t love it…like I loved Career A.  The trouble with Career A is that the travel and the long hours are suited for a single twenty-something, but not so much for a married thirty-something on the verge of starting a family.

In comes Career C. The next job behind door number three. The leap of faith into something completely new.  The next thing for which I have great passion. The job that isn’t a job but rather something I just love to do. The only trouble with Career C…I don’t know what that career is just yet.

So, I’m fine in Job B until it comes times to bear any future children at which time I do not have short term disability (see: small non-profit) and my insurance rates go through the roof with a plus one.

But in swoops Career A with a potential opportunity. One with better benefits, short term disability, and a shorter commute.  But with a dark side full of Blackberrys, 16-hour days, too many airports, and stress.

I kind of hope the Career A opportunity doesn’t pan out. I don’t want to choose. Because just the thought of being tethered to a Blackberry makes me exhausted…

Sep 24 2012
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reduce, renew

The Pants Dance

It’s the emotionally defeating high-step into a freshly dried pair of jeans.  It’s a carefully negotiated vertical jump to shake down loose haunches. It’s the grand plié that frees up valuable space.

It’s called the Pants Dance.  I hate the Pants Dance. Being 5’3″ with hips, a small waist, and big strong quads, it’s not like pants have ever actually really fit anyway.  But throw in the Freshman 10 I waited to put on until I was 30, and the Pants Dance has become a regular routine I could probably set to music.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen a physical change in myself since starting Clean in ’13 three weeks ago, but today was the first time in a looong time I put on laundered jeans with ease and that is definitely a change.

Being dirty weekend (I can eat ‘dirty’ foods Friday lunch through Sunday breakfast), we ordered pizza. It’s nice to have a comparison diet now. It’s counter-intuitive, but I like that I feel like crap after eating crap now.  It’s becoming harder to eat garbage.  I look forward to Sunday nights because it means I’m back on clean food. I’m also getting more excited for 100ish-percent in 2013. But in the meantime, I’m thankful for Tums.

Sep 11 2012
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cancer, renew

!@#$% You Cancer

Ugh.  A big deflating, Ugh.

We all knew the side effects of the clinical trial drug could make S sick.  What we didn’t know is how sick since she’s on now-being-tested high dose.

She pretty much has the plague. Like high temps of 103.5° and low temps of 94.4° every single day.  That’s writhe-around-and-sweat-your-ass-off hot and can’t-use-your-fingers-and-shake-violently cold.  Her head pounds, her neck is stiff, her body hurts – like the mother of all flu viruses.

But S has will power superior to anyone. The first time she used a sick day in TWELVE years was for the first tumor and lymph node resection. And here’s the best part, as craptacular as she feels, she’s gone to work every day since this came on 1.5 weeks ago.

It sure as hell puts into perspective wanting to cheat Clean in ’13 or quit at the gym.  Last night was my first time back at the gym in over a month.  There’s a class on Monday night that’s a real ass kicker. It’s awesome.  It’s four sets of eight 20 second bursts of high intensity cardio or strength training.  Damn straight I was figuring out how to quit ‘gracefully’ after the sixth sprint. But there’s only one thought racing through my mind right after I consider quitting:

S has cancer.

I plead with empty air that she didn’t. I hate that it’s fueling the change in me. But she does and it is.

 

Sep 07 2012
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cancer, renew

Only Hope

Oh man, I’ve missed reading.  And to find a book that can’t be put down, even into the wee hours of the morning?  Bliss.

The first fifty pages of Falling Home were treacherous.  The writing isn’t the greatest, but the story eventually overpowered the writing. It’s the same level of engagement found in the Twilight series…that I will sheepishly admit to having read. There is something about the love stories in these books that successfully panders to the wide-eyed young woman within.

S is a huge reader. As in she strictly borrows books from the library or the community because it would be a budget-breaker otherwise. Just as I would any other good read, I want to give her this book, but {spoiler alert} the sister has advanced cancer and dies at the end.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get emotional thinking of S, who is for all non-family tree purposes my sister,  dying.  And I simply won’t give her the opportunity to give up even a gram of hope.

I shouldn’t censor anything from her, but when Dr. Cure It refused to give her a life expectancy*, but told her instead, “People are cured from Stage IV cancer. It’s the exception, but it does happen.” there’s no way I’m pumping anything negative her way.  If she stumbles across this book on her own, fine.  But it’s not coming from me.

*The median life expectancy is nine months from diagnosis for Stage IV melanoma.  Go to a dermatologist and get your moles and freckles checked. GO. Life is already far too short.  DO NOT  gamble with cancer.

Sep 05 2012
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adventure, reduce, renew

I Feel…Good?

It’s difficult to  remember the last time I felt good from the inside out.  There have been plenty of times I’ve felt good from the outside in, but this good feeling radiating from the core has been quite elusive.  Probably since 2006?  Yikes.

It is likely  a combination of things.  Perhaps the vitamin B3 and multivitamin that the doctors advised.  It might be the payout of nine months of therapy.  Maybe it’s about refocusing on me and my mental and physical health. It’s probably all of that.

At least a small part of it is Clean In ’13. While off to a solid start, the opportunity to eat whatever on the weekend is definitely going to help the transition from a ‘whatever’ diet to a healthy diet.  At the doctor’s office yesterday, I weighed in at a 146.  That scale has to be far more accurate than any other, so instead of at the cusp of overweight, I’ve officially jumped off the edge.

Now it’s time to climb back up to the top. It took fifteen years to turn my body into this and it’s illogical to think it’s going to be a quick fix.  In a time of instant gratification, it’s important to remember that.

Never being one to shy away from an uphill adventure, I’m off and running. And I feel good.

Sep 03 2012
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adventure, recycle, reduce, renew

Be Better.

Today we indulged pigged-out at the state fair.  Cheese curds, pretzels, corn, deep fried pickles, cookies, funnel cake, soda, pizza and a stomach ache. Greasy. Gross. Gross. Gross.

Be better.

Clean in ’13 starts tomorrow.  That means from Sunday lunch through Friday breakfast, only whole, healthy foods are consumed.  Friday lunch through Sunday breakfast are open to bad food.  The end goal being to phase out processed and unhealthy foods all together and only eat naughty foods on rare occasion.

Today, I cleaned out the fridge, freezer and cabinets.  All of the foods the processed foods were moved to the front, so that we can use them up (wasting sucks) during the naughty time of the week. I also composted (first compost!)  the freezer-burnt frozen peas (yuck) and straight chucked anything that was expired or stale (no guilt there.)

Tomorrow, I’ll go to the grocery store and fill my cart only with whole, organic foods. This is going to be tough though, because it’s hard to spend more money on food – especially when the commercial celery is $0.99 and the organic variety is three times that amount. It’s a complete change in thinking … and in the grocery budget.

I’m excited to start this, but also worried that I’ll have trouble sticking to it.  Planning and launching are my strengths; execution and longevity in the wellness arena, not so much.

Be better.

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