Category Archives: renew

Mar 10 2013
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renew

Remembering Bug

March 10, 2004

I am heartbroken for myself and everyone who knew Bug. This makes no sense to me and everyday I still can’t believe she’s gone. I can only promise her that I’ll honor her by making an effort to be as kind, loyal, caring, supportive and giving as she was. Bug was gravitational and you couldn’t help but love her. Her smile was contagious and her laugh unforgettable. I can only be thankful that she passed at a point in her life when she was purely happy. She is an example to live by: love fearlessly, cherish and celebrate family and friends, be kind to everyone, follow your dreams & sing and dance your heart out.

To Bug, simply said, thank you for a beautiful friendship. I know you are still with me and I hope you are there to meet me when it’s my time. ep.

Feb 21 2013
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Perspective

I was going to write today about how I weighed 146 lbs at the clinic this morning.  Then, I heard about a 14-year-old boy who ran away after he impregnated a 14-year-old girl who backed out of an abortion.  I read about the progress of a friend’s brother-in-law who’s treacherous path of cancer may be ending.

I decided to write about being thankful that the pain in my abdomen is likely a muscle strain and not something more serious. I’m grateful S is responding to and recovering quickly from treatment.  I’m happy that my mom is taking her meds and, while ever-present, she is able to look beyond the delusions. I feel blessed to celebrate the third engagement anniversary with someone I love even more than the day he asked.

I thankful for my health and happiness today – all 146 lbs of it.

Jan 18 2013
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So, What’s Going Right?

It’s become obvious that mental illness and cancer have overcome my life. I’m not sure I would want to be less invested in my mom and S, but I’ve realized I’ve focused so much on mental illness and cancer, I’ve lost sight of everything else. I feel like it’s all I talk about anymore.

So in an effort to reign myself in, here are 35 things that are going right (in multiple sittings because, while it’s great to focus on the positive, it takes awhile for the brain to warm up):

1.  CrossFit is an ass-kicking zen.
2.  This is a blissful, childless time in which I have my husband and my peaceful home to myself.
3.  I have friends of a caliber that exceeds awesome.
4.  I’m content in my job. It’s not long-term, but I have enough desire and challenge to keep me engaged.
5.  Composting and recycling have become a big part of our lives and I’m proud.
6.  Clean in ’14 has been good – and successful.
7.  I finally bought for myself a new computer.
8.  Everyday, I swear I love TB just a little bit more.
9.  My brothers and I are an anomaly.  What 29- and 31-year old men talk their sister daily and tell her they love her?  More than I think, I hope.
10. I bought myself a simple present. A car wash. And it made me so happy.
11. I’m doing more things I’ve always been too afraid to do. Like get a matching tattoo with my brothers.
12. My art room is set up.
13. I’m writing more. I started with this journal and it’s looking like Lol Congress is shaping up to be the book I’ve always wanted to write.
14. I’m learning again. I started with a computer class to learn about all of the cool things on my new computer.
15. I have a new ‘thing.’  While I never thought it would be mental health advocacy, the Virginia Ann xxxx Foundation for Mental Wellness has a nice ring to it.
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Jan 11 2013
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Beasts

Beasts of the Southern WildAs someone generally skittish of any film labeled ‘independent,’ imagine my surprise at my love of the preview for Beasts of the Southern Wild.  The music is outstanding, the narrator and lead actress has found her niche at age nine, and the sparklers didn’t hurt either.

In full, this cinematic delight wrapped me in a cocoon of music and a little spitfire named Hushpuppy walked me through her life in the Bathtub.  She showed me a story so real and so genuine, I had a hard time believing I wasn’t beside Hushpuppy the entire time.

It was beautiful.

Photo credit: Beasts of the Southern Wild

Jan 08 2013
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cancer, renew

Deadlifts & Death

I can deadlift 120 lbs, back squat 125 lbs and overhead press 60 lbs.  I’m pretty excited about that, not because it’s a lot of weight, but because the misogynist trainer said, “You’re stronger than I thought.”  And when I made TB guess what I could max in each of those lifts, he guessed almost 50% short for the dead and the squat (he was five pounds too generous with the press.)

The stereotypically ‘cute blonde sorority girl’ often leads people to underestimate me. I don’t mind though. I’m a wolf in sheep’s clothing and that continues to play in my favor.

Yesterday also brought the PET scan results.

Is it harder to lose someone slowly or suddenly?

I’ve asked a few people that question. From their answers, I can only ascertain they both suck in different ways.

Dr. Cure It found another tumor in S’s other shoulder in addition to the one on her ribs. But worst of all, there is something lighting up on the scan in her knee.  As an avid runner, it could be (fingers crossed) as simple as the spot that lit up on her foot – a big, fat nothing.

Or it could be cancer. In her knee.  In her bones.

Since she’s been booted from the clinical trial now that it’s obvious the Ipilimumab isn’t stopping melanoma, the next course of treatment hinges on the result of her MRI on Thursday.

If it’s cancer, there’s a pill.  It’s a sixth month treatment and it’s only because she has some crazy mutation to the cancer.  But it also sounds like the last option before there’s nothing more we can do.

If it’s not cancer, she is strong enough to endure the barrage of treatments that will make her so sick she will be hospitalized during treatment.

Either way, the cancer is progressing and she’s about to get a whole lot sicker.

 

Dec 29 2012
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reduce, renew

Cleaner

On January 3, the next stage of Clean in ’14 begins. In 2012, Monday breakfast through Friday breakfast were clean and Friday lunch through Sunday dinner were fair game.

This year, all meals Sunday breakfast through Friday breakfast are clean. In 2014, all but one day of the week will be clean.

Clean (to me) simply means as unprocessed, whole and organic as possible.

In addition, we’ll continue to move to a more plant-based diet. This year, I’m also aiming to sneak in one vegan meal a week.  ‘Sneak’ because its just easier with my handsome counterpart. As learned with the introduction of tofu, he will eat almost anything in front of him and it’s best to not complicate that with a bunch of preparatory conversation about alternative food.

I’ve never (knowingly) cooked an animal-free meal and I’m excited to decrease both meat and animal products in my diet. Inspirations have come from this blog and this athlete’s semi-vegan diet. Though it’s doubtful I’ll ever be categorized as a veg-anything, I do envision a heavily plant-based diet down the road.

And I’m sure as I sneak more tofu into the menu at home, as TB will no doubt be sneaking out more for burgers. Pick your battles. He drinks significantly less Diet Coke today than he did six months ago. That’s a check in the win column.

Dec 19 2012
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Scroogey

The tree is trimmed. The wreath is hung. Bing Crosby is on the iPod. The only thing missing is me.  I’ve had trouble getting into the holidays since the first Christmas I spent without my family eight years ago.

What I once loved, is now a laborious. It’s a chore to decorate. It’s arduous to celebrate. Sadly, I look most forward to December 26  when every trace of Christmas is stuffed back into the containers from whence it came to be banished to the bowels of the basement for another year.

Ugh.

Perhaps I should try to channel this elusive spirit into another holiday.  Thanksgiving would be the obvious choice, but it was again another big family holiday. So that’s out.  Independence Day has potential with fireworks and grilling, but the lack of substantial light-up decorations and cards immediately disqualifies it. Easter is out. Perhaps Valentine’s Day?  Cookies – check. Cards and decor – check.  Meh. It’s not the same. The twinkle lights, the wonderment, the parties, the gifts under the tree…

I think I’m just going to have to figure out a way to make Christmas work.  That would be an interesting story: How I Got My Christmas Groove Back.  What? Stella did it.

 

Dec 14 2012
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It

Never having been one to appreciate poetry (see: I don’t get it), imagine the surprise to be moved by one today on NPR.  During an interview about her recently published work, Life on Mars, Tracy K. Smith recited, It & Co.

We are a part of It. Not guests.
Is It us, or what contains us?
How can It be anything but an idea,
Something teetering on the spine
Of the number i? It is elegant
But coy. It avoids the blunt ends
Of our fingers as we point. We
Have gone looking for It everywhere:
In Bibles and bandwidth, blooming
Like a wound from the ocean floor.
Still, It resists the matter of false vs. real.
Unconvinced by our zeal, It is un-
Appeasable. It is like some novels:
Vast and unreadable.

She emphasized every ‘It’ as she read and I knew exactly of what she was speaking. It. I have been in search of It for a long time.  I immediately found her poem and emailed it to myself, not wanting to forget this moment. The first time in memory I enjoyed a poem that wasn’t written for a fourth grader (thank you Shel Silverstein), but a piece that resonated deeply about something I’ve yet been able to verbalize.

Perhaps the NY Times‘ Joel Brouwer explained it best. “Smith’s enigmatic “it” is in fact her way of teasing us for our insatiable itch for explanations…Religion, science, art: we turn to them for answers, but the questions persist, especially in times of grief.”

Life on Mars was a work Ms. Smith wrote after the loss of her father.  No wonder it resonated.

Beauty is rarely found in ambiguity. It was a pleasure to find it here.

Dec 06 2012
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adventure, renew

Cautiously Optimistic

On Tuesday, it took ten minutes exactly to row 500m, push up 30 times, squat 20, and pull up 20.  The push ups and pull ups were assisted, but the post-workout endorphins were all mine. In one month, we’ll be timed again with workout to measure progress.

After spending far too much ‘thinking about it,’ I started the intro classes to CrossFit.  It fulfills what I’ve come to realize are important for personal success in a fitness regiment: direction, accountability, and accomplishment.

Before signing on, I consulted an old college acquaintance, who frequently posts about her CrossFit experience.  She mentioned that she has lost little weight, but seen dramatic changes in her measurements. So I decided to measure myself and report back in six months.

Measurements 12/5/12
30″ Waist
37.5″ Hips
23.5″ Thigh
11″ Arm
140lbs

I also just ran across a CrossFit member who was asked to write what success looked like to her. A terrific idea for reflection in June.

To me, success would be countering the malaise with endorphins and energy, feeling confident about my body, and accomplishing new things I never knew I could do every day.  A flat stomach and defined arms would be nice too.

But first, I’ll go to my second intro class tonight…cautiously optimistic.

Nov 20 2012
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mental illness, reduce, renew

Crazy Goes to Voicemail

If you can’t laugh at mental illness, you’ll just cry all of the time. Trust me. I know.

There is an unspoken code in my family.  My mom has been sick for a very long time and like a team of lifeguards, each of us steps up to take his or her respective turn swimming out furiously to save my mom while desperately trying not to drown as she emotionally clings and flays about. It gets exhausting trying to save the person who lives in the tide.

Whenever my mom boards the ‘crazy train,’ family code dictates that whoever she drags aboard with her makes sure to notify the rest of us so, as we lovingly say, “crazy goes to voicemail.”

We all love my mom and we all want to help her, but Schizoaffective Disorder is an emotional leech. So each time, one of us simply ‘takes one for the team’ and spares the other three.

Last night, my mom called me four times between 7:30 p.m. and 11:30 p.m.  I didn’t hear the first two and then out of irritation, I ignored the second two at 11:14 p.m. and 11:28 p.m. respectively.  Her voicemails were reflective of her current mental state: manic.  Even though I knew I couldn’t do anything and calling her meant taking away from my life, good old Catholic guilt (@#$%) got the best of me and called her back.

When she’s sick, which is most of the time now, she can’t see beyond herself. She doesn’t inquire about me or my job or my husband or my life. She doesn’t care can’t focus on anything other that what she’s fixated on.  And it’s life-sucking for all parties involved, including her.  The neediest girlfriend doesn’t hold a candle to psychosis.

I’ve been working with the therapist and she blew my mind with one simple sentence. “It doesn’t matter if you’re happy or miserable, her life is going to be the same.”  What?!

From therapy part one, I learned and accepted (work in progress) that her decisions are hers. I cannot influence them, I cannot change them and I’m certainly not responsible for the consequences of her actions.  This is her life and these are her choices, regardless of where mental illness stops and my mom begins.

But now in therapy part two, I’m learning to live my own life. I’m learning that as much as I love my mom and want to fix her…I can’t.  There is simply nothing I can do.  It reminds me of Love Actually when Laura Linney’s character picks her mentally ill brother over her own happiness.  Yeah. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be happy.

Mom, I love you a lot, but I can’t follow you into the dark anymore.  I’ll be right here in the light with open arms if you can ever make your way back here.  But I can’t live with you in the dark anymore.

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