Category Archives: adventure

Dec 06 2012
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adventure, renew

Cautiously Optimistic

On Tuesday, it took ten minutes exactly to row 500m, push up 30 times, squat 20, and pull up 20.  The push ups and pull ups were assisted, but the post-workout endorphins were all mine. In one month, we’ll be timed again with workout to measure progress.

After spending far too much ‘thinking about it,’ I started the intro classes to CrossFit.  It fulfills what I’ve come to realize are important for personal success in a fitness regiment: direction, accountability, and accomplishment.

Before signing on, I consulted an old college acquaintance, who frequently posts about her CrossFit experience.  She mentioned that she has lost little weight, but seen dramatic changes in her measurements. So I decided to measure myself and report back in six months.

Measurements 12/5/12
30″ Waist
37.5″ Hips
23.5″ Thigh
11″ Arm
140lbs

I also just ran across a CrossFit member who was asked to write what success looked like to her. A terrific idea for reflection in June.

To me, success would be countering the malaise with endorphins and energy, feeling confident about my body, and accomplishing new things I never knew I could do every day.  A flat stomach and defined arms would be nice too.

But first, I’ll go to my second intro class tonight…cautiously optimistic.

Nov 10 2012
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adventure, cancer, mental illness, renew

Where the Magic Happens

It was a great day.

A comp day from a thoughtful and smart manager, it started out with good pain at the premiere of season two of therapy. Turns out, the crying can be explained in one word: grief. ‘Ambiguous Loss‘ precisely, as the phrase has been coined. While we haven’t lost our mom in body yet, we lost a lot of her personality on September 26, 2008 to a stroke. Since then, more and more is lost to her unrelenting Schizoaffective Disorder every day. We are caught between the loss that was and the loss that will be.

Lost has been the innocence that S and I will actually live what we’ve joked about for years – old and senile, rocking in chairs on a porch. I made S promise that I get to go first.

I will likely lose my mom and my best friend within the next year. It is overwhelming to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. But, that’s what therapy is for…

TB and I then embarked on what would become an impromptu Choose Your Own Adventure day. First, we ended up eating wings at the sports bar. From there we spent down three of the last gift cards from the wedding, saw a movie, planned out the Christmas season over coffee, had a chair massage, priced out my new computer, bought new shoes, purchased a tree topper for Christmas (I’m so excited), and tried new sushi rolls for dinner.

It was heavenly.

The movie was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was so, so good. So good. Difficult subject matter at points [spoiler alert] dealing with sexual abuse, but it rivals my long-standing favorite movie, Rudy.

I’d like to start living more in the moment. Seizing life. More days like yesterday. Opportunities in which cozying up on the couch and living vicariously through movies and television would have been fine and safe, but not magical like yesterday was.

Oct 14 2012
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adventure, reduce

Stuck, Shellac & A Side of Yes-piration

Stuck
The month after we married in 2011, TB, as he says, began working “without drawing a salary” from his start-up business (see: unemployed.)  In September, a friend threw him a bone and he’s working a contract job for the election making half of what he did in early 2011.  Marrying a man who immediately after was unable to contribute to our new family, but rather starting borrowing my emergency savings was not only scary but really a hard pill to swallow.  Normally Type A and very fiscally responsible (thanks, dad), I’ve surprised myself in being pretty cool about the whole situation.  But now, after more than a year without being able to take a vacation or do any house projects, and being on the heavy side of our 50/50 arrangement, resentment and restlessness are setting in.

I’m sick to death of the abstract conversations about refinishing the tub, fixing the sink, cleaning the ducts, updating the kitchen, finishing the basement, etc. Fed up feeling stuck, I purchased a light fixture to replace the awful light in the office.  Since electricity scares the bajesus out of me, TB lovingly agreed to install it. After he surely fried the unit’s wiring trying to install,  it’s now collecting dust on the floor.  Deflated doesn’t even begin to describe the disappointment.

Lately, any financial woes have always resulted in the same fear: going into debt to have a baby. The idea of taking on the stress of the financial burden of a kid is just too much. Kids are off the table until this family achieves financial stability.

Shellac
S and I went for pedicures and to try gel (Shellac) manicures today.  If this manicure lasts the two weeks it’s advertised to do, I’m hooked.  It was set before we left the salon – having yet to ever successfully fasten a seat belt without dinging a fresh manicure, this is HUGE.  TB loathes the smell of nail polish, so I rarely have well-manicured nails.  This would be a game-changer and a step forward in my attempt to look like less of a trainwreck. Stand by for a final report.

Yes-piration
Early on it was evident that TB was a keeper for several reasons. Including his friends. We already had a bunch of mutual friends, but each of us fit right into the others circle of friends.  His friends are awesome.  I adore all of them.

Saturday we went out with a bunch of his our friends.  I had a particularly awesome conversation with B-Dub. ‘Lemons into lemonade’ might as well be this guy’s mantra.  He was laid off six months ago and turned a healthy severance package into a six-month journey of self-exploration. In taking an improv class, he talked about learning to say ‘yes’ to almost anything.  He learned to forge a path outside of his comfort zone and took boxing lessons, joined a bowling league, took cooking lessons, and a dozen other things he’s always wanted to do. He reminded me that I really do need to chase down my next ‘thing.’

So now, with gentle nudge from a friend, the focus will be to get ‘unstuck’ and to identify my new ‘thing’ because I’ve got to do something with this pent up energy other than simply putting twice the energy into maintaining composure and trying not to lash out at TB.

Oct 03 2012
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adventure, reduce, renew

Career A, Job B, or Career C

Career A: what began in non-profit, ended twelve years later in corporate burnout…

Job B: scraping together barely enough suitable experience and an executive director with one foot out the door, I landed a job in non-profit that I’m not really qualified to do…nor do I love.

Career C: unknown possible future career?

Job B is fine. It’s good enough. It’s a decent salary, my boss is awesome, and I get to do a bunch of stuff I like doing. But I don’t love it…like I loved Career A.  The trouble with Career A is that the travel and the long hours are suited for a single twenty-something, but not so much for a married thirty-something on the verge of starting a family.

In comes Career C. The next job behind door number three. The leap of faith into something completely new.  The next thing for which I have great passion. The job that isn’t a job but rather something I just love to do. The only trouble with Career C…I don’t know what that career is just yet.

So, I’m fine in Job B until it comes times to bear any future children at which time I do not have short term disability (see: small non-profit) and my insurance rates go through the roof with a plus one.

But in swoops Career A with a potential opportunity. One with better benefits, short term disability, and a shorter commute.  But with a dark side full of Blackberrys, 16-hour days, too many airports, and stress.

I kind of hope the Career A opportunity doesn’t pan out. I don’t want to choose. Because just the thought of being tethered to a Blackberry makes me exhausted…

Sep 20 2012
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adventure, cancer

Am I…Actually Ready?!?

Never having been one to feel the proverbial ‘clock’ ticking, I have no idea what wanting a baby actually feels like.  Sure, there’s been some intangible item that I left at the store, then longed for after and eventually purchased – but to want a kid? Uh-uh. I have no idea what it’s like to want one of those.

I feel sheepish admitting this, but we watched What to Expect When You’re Expecting over the weekend and it was during that movie that I started to feel something.  Something that felt an awful lot like ‘I think I can do this,’ and ‘I can actually picture holding my own child.’

Combined with ‘graduating’ from therapy (aka learning how to not be my mom’s mom) and S getting sicker, it has been both a high dose of reality and a freeing week.

I think I’m ready. And with our plan to stop preventing in January, in theory, I could have a kid by this time next year. Holy shit.

Photo (c) Lionsgate

Sep 05 2012
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adventure, reduce, renew

I Feel…Good?

It’s difficult to  remember the last time I felt good from the inside out.  There have been plenty of times I’ve felt good from the outside in, but this good feeling radiating from the core has been quite elusive.  Probably since 2006?  Yikes.

It is likely  a combination of things.  Perhaps the vitamin B3 and multivitamin that the doctors advised.  It might be the payout of nine months of therapy.  Maybe it’s about refocusing on me and my mental and physical health. It’s probably all of that.

At least a small part of it is Clean In ’13. While off to a solid start, the opportunity to eat whatever on the weekend is definitely going to help the transition from a ‘whatever’ diet to a healthy diet.  At the doctor’s office yesterday, I weighed in at a 146.  That scale has to be far more accurate than any other, so instead of at the cusp of overweight, I’ve officially jumped off the edge.

Now it’s time to climb back up to the top. It took fifteen years to turn my body into this and it’s illogical to think it’s going to be a quick fix.  In a time of instant gratification, it’s important to remember that.

Never being one to shy away from an uphill adventure, I’m off and running. And I feel good.

Sep 03 2012
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adventure, recycle, reduce, renew

Be Better.

Today we indulged pigged-out at the state fair.  Cheese curds, pretzels, corn, deep fried pickles, cookies, funnel cake, soda, pizza and a stomach ache. Greasy. Gross. Gross. Gross.

Be better.

Clean in ’13 starts tomorrow.  That means from Sunday lunch through Friday breakfast, only whole, healthy foods are consumed.  Friday lunch through Sunday breakfast are open to bad food.  The end goal being to phase out processed and unhealthy foods all together and only eat naughty foods on rare occasion.

Today, I cleaned out the fridge, freezer and cabinets.  All of the foods the processed foods were moved to the front, so that we can use them up (wasting sucks) during the naughty time of the week. I also composted (first compost!)  the freezer-burnt frozen peas (yuck) and straight chucked anything that was expired or stale (no guilt there.)

Tomorrow, I’ll go to the grocery store and fill my cart only with whole, organic foods. This is going to be tough though, because it’s hard to spend more money on food – especially when the commercial celery is $0.99 and the organic variety is three times that amount. It’s a complete change in thinking … and in the grocery budget.

I’m excited to start this, but also worried that I’ll have trouble sticking to it.  Planning and launching are my strengths; execution and longevity in the wellness arena, not so much.

Be better.

Aug 27 2012
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adventure, cancer, mental illness

It Starts Today

Seven days ago, I was getting a massage and the masseuse asked what I do outside of work. I’ve always had a great answer to that question ranging from race training or a new painting to a great adventure or new project. But I didn’t have an answer this time. My life is incomprehensibly busy (much of the activity happening in my brain) but none of it was about me.

It’s time to make a change. After eight months of intense dealings with other people’s Schizoaffective Disorder and Stage IV Melanoma, it’s time to refocus on Number One. Mental illness and cancer will continue to play a large role in my life as they are leeching life from my mom and my best friend respectively, but these parasites can’t be the sole reason I rise in the morning. Yes, the odds indicate that mental illness and cancer will probably win. But these moochers will not best me.

I’ve been working with a therapist for nine months. The dust is settling and I’m starting to see results through the haze. Between once again learning the tough lesson that life is too short and finally starting to break free of the cycle of a chaotic youth, I’m finding my footing and I’m finding my freedom.

With that, I’m blindly embarking on the greatest adventure of my life: me.

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