Safety is second only to food, water and sleep in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. And in the wake of sexual assault, I never felt safe.
I felt most vulnerable on the brink of sleep. Today, the reason falling asleep was difficult is clear. But at the time, I did what people do; I found a way to avoid that feeling.
Moving targets are less vulnerable and allow little time for intrusive thoughts. So, I never stopped moving. My schedule was ridiculous. I habitually exhausted myself so I’d be too tired to think.
The first time I remember falling asleep on my terms was next to my best friend in college. Everyone assumed “we’re just friends” really meant he and I were sleeping together. And we were, but not like that.
I gravitated to the safety of his side. Especially in times vulnerability: Whenever I planned to drink a lot, in the event of unwanted male attention, at night and so on. He protected me. We never talked about it. He just let me be near him. And the safety he gave me was something no other person had done in my life.
I did not make it this far on my own. So many friends propped me up, held me close to their hearts and even carried me when the paralysis of shame or fear set in.
And most of them don’t even know the impact of their kindness and compassion – they are just simply extraordinary people I’ve been so lucky to have found.
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