Malaise sucks. Being an advocate for people with mental illness is easy, the idea that I might be clinically depressed, well…that’s a whole other pill to swallow. It can be twisted and presented as a digestible ‘situational depression malaise’ because after all, my best friend will die of cancer and it’s a Vegas crap shoot which ailment will soon claim my mom’s life. Clinical or situational, it’s hard to be happy in the middle of feeling helpless and out of control.
TB and I were working on our homework from ‘marriage continuing ed’ last night. We had one simple assignment: list the things that are exciting about having a baby. Two hours, puffy eyes, and a half a box of Kleenex later, I still didn’t have an answer…or any clue as to what the hell was the root issue of the crying. The only answer I came up with is that the idea of something else needing me, taking from me, being a bigger priority than me – is just overwhelming.
Even though I want a family, I’m not excited to have a baby. Rather I’m completely exhausted by the mere idea.
So, we’ve moved the goal post on babies. And while the OMG moment here might be realizing that I will feel indefinitely helpless and out of control with kids, I still need to figure out how to manage feeling helpless and out of control since I can’t do anything about S’s cancer or my mom’s mental illness. And, dammit, I’m tired of life under this cloud of doom and gloom. I want to be happy and vibrant and lively again (like I was when TB first met me – before the last five years of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type, strokes, cancer, PTSD, etc.) and I want to learn how to not ride the roller coaster with my loved ones, but instead be there for them when they get on and off. And I have no earthly idea how to do that.
So back to therapy I go…
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